there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
