His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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