btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I have tasted many bathrooms
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
