I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
