It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
