don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
