She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Just puked most of my soul out..
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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