i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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