nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
