my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
