I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
