does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
