I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
