2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
