I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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