I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
