you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
