she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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