So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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