Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
