Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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