Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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