he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Randomize
