I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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