the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
