My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Let's paint friendship bongs
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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