Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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