i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We are all done wearing pants today
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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