Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
