i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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