The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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