I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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