HIV tests are more positive than that guy
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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