I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
