Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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