Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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