Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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