My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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