I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize