I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
