I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
