Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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