What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize