I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
