theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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