The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
