I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
