ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
