I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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