i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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