Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I won't apologize to a one balled man
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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