i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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