So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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