it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
