Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize