Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
