Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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