Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
