just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
