When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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