roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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