Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
