I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
