laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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