walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
