i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
