Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
this will be a night to untag.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize