The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
