The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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