i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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