70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize