we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
